Earlier this year in Houston, I listened to Hal Runkel, LMFT
present his book ScreamFree Marriage.
It was a great presentation on changing yourself, even (or especially if) your spouse won’t change. He presented
ideas that were a bit different than the average marriage-education or
counseling themes, and I found them to be truthful and realistic. Before writing the marriage book, he wrote, ScreamFree Parenting, and
I’ve been wanting to read it since his lecture.
I’ll admit that I’m kind of a screamer. Yeah, right, some of
you might be thinking, but I am. Not in my marriage, but as a parent.
Occasionally some little or big thing will irk me and I allow anxiety to take
over, and I immediately regret the sound of my raised voice. And I notice each
time that the boiling over did absolutely no good. Yep, I can be a screamer.
The book Sreamfree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool points out that
“screaming” in terms of his book is more than raising your voice. It means to get emotionally reactive with your kids,
which takes a number of forms (I’m sure you can find yourself somewhere in
here):
- Orbiting your life around theirs;
- Cutting yourself off to avoid watching their mistakes;
- Telling them “I told you so;”
- Trying to control their behavior;
- Sacrificing yourself for your family and then resenting them when they don’t appreciate all your efforts.
Any other “screamers” out there according to this list? We
probably all fit in there one way or another.
I really gained a lot by reading this book. It isn’t a
“how-to” book or a “behavioral modification model” as much as it is a “growth
model” book explaining a different perspective. This perspective really opened
up a huge window of ambitions and goals I have for myself when it comes to
parenting.
That perspective is this. Parents often think we are
responsible for our children, but Runkel
explains there is a better way of thinking—a way that gives more agency and learning
(and, yes, struggling) to our children—we are responsible to our children. “You are
not responsible for your kids, their
behavior, their feelings, or any of their choices. You are responsible to them for your behavior, your feelings,
and all of your choices” (p. 219).
 |
| Perhaps I like this so much because it represents a strong desire of mine to practice being calm no matter the reason to react. (Free printable available here). |
He explains that “screaming” is giving in to anxiety over
something. Children have an “inner adult” that begs parents to remain calm no
matter what. This first section of the book is awesome, and because of it I
feel even more empowered as a parent, and somewhat more heavy-laden with
burdens that come with perfecting one’s self. And that represents growth.
He writes about how parenting is not about kids—it’s about
parents. Parenting is a challenge—and it should be. It’s a process of growth
for parents. When we “scream” we are in actuality losing control, and we cannot
be in charge. Think about a time when someone screamed at you as a kid. Did you
really learn something? You probably learned that the screamer was mad and so
you withdrew yourself from them, but you didn’t learn the lesson beyond—that
what you were doing was not acceptable because it ________ (fill-in-the-blank).
In order to keep our cool, we have to create space—actual
physical space, as well as emotional space, and by setting limits. Children need to know they have their
own space (a bedroom, or even just a corner that is their own), and we need to
respect that from a very young age. He quotes a professor of philosophy:
“Every last one of us has a “kingdom”—or a “queendom,” or a
“government”—a realm that is uniquely our own, where our choice determines what
happens…Our “kingdom” is simply the range of our effective will. Whatever we
genuinely have say over is our kingdom” (p. 78).
I could summarize the book with one quote from it: Becoming
ScreamFree “happens not by accident or natural happenstance, but by conscious
choices you and I make to curb our reactivity, calm our anxiety, and respond
according to our principles” (p. 211). The book uses true stories of parents
implementing ScreamFree choices in interactions with their children, which
makes it fun, and at times funny, to read.
I could go on and on about why I love this book. Read it,
and we can chat about it. I borrowed it from the library, but I’m ordering it
from Amazon to read again and again through the years. I keep sharing with Sam
more and more about this book, and we see so much potential to grow as parents.
Here are some other highlights from the book that I think
are well-worth mentioning.
Keeping promises
communicates many things:
- The world has a certain order to it;
- People are accountable to one another;
- Authority can be trusted;
- Words and actions have meaning and power; and
- In this crazy and chaotic life, promises still matter.
All of these principles are taught without having to preach
them—just by keeping promises (p. 171).
Be consistent—with
words and with yourself, even if it means choosing some discomfort and
inconvenience. “Consistent enforcement
of consequences is the single more effective application of authority in
the parent-child relationship” (p.
178-9). Align consequences with choices and have integrity with consequences
you choose (only choose consequences you are willing and able to enforce and
endure yourself).
Think calmly through decisions BEFORE you make them.
No one is ever always anything. No one is always lazy, always smart, or always defiant. There is
much power in labeling and pronouncing upon children and others self-fulfilling
prophecies. “We are so quick to judge our children according to small slices of
life, without ever seeing a broader picture of the different possibilities” (p.
117). When talking about or describing our children, avoid words like “always,”
“never,” “all the time,” and “constantly,” and replace with forgiving words
like “can be.”
There are two sides
to parenting (and marriages, for that matter): business side and personal
side.
Parents cannot and should not be friends to their children.
